If you’re a Real Christian™ like me, you’ve had it up to here with all these namby-pamby limp-wristed “progressive” Christian personalities that seem to be littering the landscape everywhere you look. Whenever I turn around it’s “Respect the Other” this, or “Embrace ambiguity” that. Barf.
If you’re ready to reclaim the faith from these postmodern wimps, then here are five easy tips to help do so.
Demand Absolute Certainty
Everyone knows that Real Christianity™ is all about being right, and that doctrinal precision is the paramount fruit of the Spirit. I mean, who is more appreciated than the guy in the room with all the answers, who can argue circles around all those biblical simpletons with their pathetic “child-like faith” in Jesus?
The only way to reach this state of spiritual maturity, however, is by being absolutely certain about all your theological positions, without exception. Ambiguity is wishy-washy and weak, and confidence is strength. Even if you don’t really know what you’re talking about or your opponent is making some good points against you, an eye-roll or casual dismissal of his claims will ensure that you come out on top in the end. And when you go, “Psssssh!” be sure to appeal to those around you to make certain they also realize how stupid other people are.
Keep Heaven Safe
You know the old saying: “When it comes to real estate, it’s location, location, location.” If that’s true of earth, how much more true is it of heaven!
If there’s one factor that can drive down property values, it’s when your neighborhood starts being moved into by certain, umm, unsavory types. Keeping our living areas populated with the right kinds of people is indispensable for feeling safe while walking the streets, and it’s no different when it comes to those heavenly streets of gold. So be a good neighbor and do your part to quell heavenly overpopulation by insisting on an ever-narrowing list of criteria for inhabiting God’s inner circle.
Demonize Your Enemies
Speaking of unsavory types, another key to being a Real Christian™ is to constantly assume a posture of reaction to other believers. Our doctrinal precision all but ensures that theological enemies will abound, but we’re still falling short unless we treat them like the threats to orthodoxy that they are.
Constant suspicion and villainization of the Other will send the message that God is pretty easy to figure out, and therefore that any varying perspectives on who he is are merely the result of ignorance or outright rebellion.
Conflate God and Judge Judy
If the Bible and the history of theology teach us anything, it’s that God’s main role is that of Judge whose primary aim is to condemn most people while saving a select few. Sure, those limp-wristed progressive types will harp on the idea that God is a Father before he is anything else, but that’s just to push their liberal agenda of unity, universality, and compassion. But Real Christians™ know better.
And if God is primarily a Judge, what better way to please him than to be little judges ourselves? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? So be sure to go out into the world and be godly, by which I mean be as judgmental as possible toward every little thing others do that you disapprove of, not matter how small.
Place Principles over Practice
The final tip for being a Real Christian™ involves prioritizing principles over practice, doctrine over doing things.
Here’s what’s so great about this: Even though those bleeding-heart types make a big deal about how loving others is the whole point of the Law and Prophets, there’s a convenient way around all this “love” crap.
If we simply leapfrog over how we are supposed to live and focus instead on crafting an airtight theology, who can blame us if our correct views about God turn us into total pricks? So we can mask all our personal trauma and nurse a massive superiority complex over other people! See? Win/win!
Rise up and fight, Real Christians™! If we cede all our ground to these theological wussbags we’ll have nothing left but a bunch of tattooed and soul-patched pretenders running around usurping OUR rightful place as God’s spokespeople to the broader culture.
But together we can prevail, and with enough dogma, unfounded confidence, and unresolved psychological issues we can make Christianity great again!
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